Thoughts for Young Marrieds

We can choose to love; we can choose to keep our marriage covenants and we can choose to be kindly and loving spouses. And when we do, our marriages will be more celestial, not only in time, but in quality.

By Elder Tad R. Callister

Pacific Area President

April 2011 Message

The foundation of the Church is the family, and the foundation of the family is the husband-wife relationship. Of course we have some wonderful single people in the Church, but the eternal family unit is designed to be governed by a father and mother who are sealed together forever.

On occasion priesthood leaders meet with couples who are good individuals, but who have little if any marriage relationship left. For some, heavenly homes have been transformed into boarding houses - simply places where spouses sleep and eat under a common roof—where there is little social, intellectual, spiritual or physical interaction. For these people eternal marriage has become a concept of time rather than a quality of life.

Sometimes we hear expressions in these struggling relationships as: "I am beyond the point of loving her", or "we are incompatible", or "we have irreconcilable differences." In most cases those statements are myths perpetrated by the Evil One. Of course God can change our hearts and our feelings. That is what the gospel of Jesus Christ is all about. He does it with every convert of the Church. He does it with every repentant soul. And He can do it with every humble spouse.

True love is a God-given passion. It emanates from on high. It may be implanted, nurtured, rekindled or fanned when the flame burns low, but with effort on our part it can be revived.

Love is a choice. Each day we can choose to love or not to love our spouses. We can choose to win an argument or choose to build a relationship; we can choose to give our spouse our time or choose to further our personal interests; we can choose to hold Family Home Evening or choose to watch TV. Satan's influence will always be to undermine the marriage relationship—God's influence will always be to cement it.

What steps can we take to strengthen our relationships, to make our marriages more celestial? Below are a few suggestions:

One: Pray with your spouse every morning and evening. Years ago President Kimball asked my older brother if he prayed with his wife every morning and night. My brother replied, "At night, but not in the morning." President Kimball responded, "You should." From that day forward my brother did as instructed. Marriage is a partnership with God, and prayer is a way to invite His participation in that relationship.

Two: Set aside a date night every week. Lots of couples fail to plan personal time together. We all need quality time alone with our spouses to nurture our relationships—and that also applies to young bishops and priesthood leaders. Brethren, our wives deserve this time and we need to make it available. My wife and I have date night on Friday evenings. We love that time together—just the two of us.

Three: Continue to court. When my grandfather sealed us in the temple he said, "If you have a dime, spend a nickel for a loaf of bread and a nickel for a rose." I do not believe that advice needs any commentary.

Fourth: Help around the house. Years ago I heard a marriage counselor discuss a survey that highlighted common features in happy marriages. One key feature was husbands who willingly helped around the house. Perhaps it is a significant item because it promotes the equality of husbands and wives—that they are on this eternal journey together—not only as to the spiritual and glamorous things but also the mundane.

Fifth: Treat your spouse like an angel from heaven. One general authority told me that his wife's patriarchal blessing said she would find a man who would treat her like an angel from heaven. Wouldn't it be wonderful if all husbands could be worthy of that emulation, and if all wives would treat their husbands with love and kindness. There is absolutely no place in a celestial marriage for force or coercion or verbal or physical abuse. There is no rationalization that can justify it. Celestial love is founded on love and kindness and patience and respect for one another.

Marriage is not an experiment, or a trial and error process. It is a long-term commitment of love and honour and fidelity of the highest order. It is among the most sacred and solemn covenants ever made by man. In truth, it is the acid test of a spouses' integrity.

One does not speak lightly of divorce or separation; we do not use them as a threat to bully or coerce, but rather we speak of solutions and communication and keeping God's commandments, and working as one. In this day and age we have far too many "fair weather" marriage partners, who with the slightest storm or wind abandon their covenants and commitments. A marriage counselor, Victor Cline, observed: "The couples who get divorced usually have the very same problems as the ones who stay together and work things out. The couples who resolve their differences share one very valuable quality - commitment. They are committed to God's plan, to their marriage vows, to their children."

We can choose to love; we can choose to keep our marriage covenants and we can choose to be kindly and loving spouses. And when we do, our marriages will be more celestial, not only in time, but in quality.